Wyatting – guerilla musical education or irritating snobbery: YOU DECIDE!!!

Once upon a time jukeboxes were analogue, holding a defined number of 7″ singles.  if you were feeling brave, obtuse or maudlin you could select the b-side of a hit to play to an accidental audience, but not many did.  Then arrived the CD version, expanding the choice to hundreds of tracks but still keeping safety barriers in place, mainly being stocked with Greatest Hits compilations.  Then at last! the internet connected version where you could search online databases for millions of tunes.  Thus was born the brief craze of Wyatting.

The term comes from Robert’s Dondestan album, a notoriously good choice if you were to find it on a jukebox.  The aim is to pick the most excruciating avant-garde or atonal/repetitive track you can think of on internet connected pub jukebox.  Rules vary but clearing the establishment or prompting the staff to kill the music is considered a victory.  Note that it isn’t enough to simply irritate the punters trying to enjoy their drinks, otherwise Crazy Frog 20 times in a row would actually count.  You must shake their very belief in music and it’s normalised structure.  Neither it is considered sporting to punch up some ripe example of gansta-rap or death metal, as this conforms too closely to conventions of genre.  No, it must be nothing less than a deconstruction of commercial acceptability.

I say brief craze because internet wired jukeboxes did not enjoy wide take-up by the hostelries of our land, running costs and the hazards of giving tipsy musicologists too much choice means they are an exotic rarity today.  But if you do find one, try sticking these on and watch the bonds of civilisation snap.

If they're not putting me on 16 times in a row, it's "are you that Matt Berry?" bah!

If they’re not putting me on 16 times in a row, it’s “are you that Matt Berry?” bah!

A Wyatters Hit parade

Jesus & Mary Chain – any of their first three singles.  Shrieking feedback to test the tweeters in any speaker.

Lou Reed – Metal Machine Music.  Any jukebox that offers an extended barrage of white and pink noise to you is asking for an aural ASBO.

Swans – Raping a Slave.  Only 6.22?  It just seemed to fly by.

Pink Floyd – Scream Thy Last Scream.  Laughing Gnome without the laughs.

Pere Ubu – 30 Seconds Over Tokyo.  Does this sound like fun to you?

Neu – Super 16.  Makes even hardened proggers sup up and flee.

Brian Eno – Thursday Afternoon.  A classic exercise in minimalism; except for the terrifying attenuation.

Flux of Pink Indians – Tapioca Sunrise.  I got this mixed up with a Monkees song once with hilarious consequences.

Merzbow – Requiem.  Don’t be fooled by the cheery title, this is an aural assault course likened to being conscious during a kidney transplant.

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